Steven Wright Comedian Jokes: A Collection of His Best One-Liners

Steven Wright is a legendary stand-up comedian known for his dry, deadpan delivery and absurdly clever one-liners. His unique style of humor blends surreal observations with witty wordplay, making his jokes both thought-provoking and hilarious. Over the years, Wright has built a loyal fan base that appreciates his brilliant take on the mundane aspects of life.

In this article, we’ll explore some of his best jokes, the impact of his humor, and why his comedic style continues to resonate with audiences worldwide. Plus, we’ve compiled 60 of his funniest jokes for you to enjoy!

Who Is Steven Wright?

Steven Wright is an American comedian, actor, and writer known for his slow-paced delivery and intellectual humor. He gained widespread recognition in the 1980s with his stand-up specials and appearances on late-night television. Wright’s humor often revolves around paradoxes, ironic statements, and observational absurdities that leave audiences both puzzled and amused.

His influence on modern comedy is undeniable, inspiring comedians like Mitch Hedberg, Demetri Martin, and even today’s up-and-coming comics who appreciate the art of the one-liner.

What Makes Steven Wright’s Jokes Unique?

1. Deadpan Delivery – His monotone voice and expressionless face add to the comedic effect.
2. Surreal & Absurd Humor – Many of his jokes challenge logic and reality in a hilarious way.
3. Wordplay & Puns – Wright masterfully twists words to create unexpected punchlines.
4. Philosophical & Existential Themes – His humor often makes you think about life’s strange contradictions.
5. Minimalist Approach – He doesn’t rely on long storytelling; his humor is quick and efficient.

60 Hilarious Steven Wright Jokes

1. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
2. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
3. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
4. I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
5. If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
6. I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
7. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
8. I have a map of the United States… actual size.
9. What’s another word for thesaurus?
10. My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids, I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard.
11. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
12. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… maybe you’ve seen it.
13. The problem with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.
14. I bought a light blue car. One day, it disappeared in the sky.
15. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
16. I wrote a song, but I can’t read music, so I don’t know what it’s about.
17. I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
18. I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.
19. I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
20. My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
21. I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles.” That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
22. When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming like the passengers in his car.
23. I broke my arm in two places. My doctor told me to stop going to those places.
24. I bought a house on an incline. I can only live in the upstairs part.
25. I have a photographic memory, but it was never developed.
26. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
27. I have a neighbor who collects empty bottles… which is weird because it’s me.
28. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
29. My favorite type of music is elevator music because it lifts me up.
30. I saw a sign that said “Watch for children,” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
31. I like to fill my bathtub with milk and pretend I’m a Cheerio.
32. I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman said, “I don’t understand it. It was 80 degrees yesterday, and now it’s 50.”
33. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
34. My friend has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn’t first place.
35. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.
36. My computer crashed, so I opened a lemonade stand.
37. I made a giant paper airplane, but it wouldn’t take off. Turns out, I had no airline miles.
38. Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?
39. I once locked my keys in my car. I was stuck outside for an hour… and so was the locksmith.
40. I bought a humidifier and a dehumidifier and put them in the same room. Let them fight it out.
41. I have a friend who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
42. I tried to build a bookshelf but realized I don’t have a book on how to build bookshelves.
43. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
44. I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
45. My friend has a trophy wife, but he says she’s not the best he’s ever had.
46. I took my dog to the park, and we played chess. He’s terrible at it.
47. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
48. I turned off the light to see how dark it was. It was dark.
49. I want to get a full-body tattoo of myself… only taller.
50. If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
51. I stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
52. I used to be a magician, but I made myself disappear from the job market.
53. I told my boss three companies were after me… so he fired me before they could hire me.
54. I took a physics exam and got an “A”… because “F” was not in my vocabulary.
55. I watched a documentary about clocks. It was about time.
56. My belt broke, but my pants stayed up. Gravity must be confused.
57. I walked into a bar… and forgot the joke.
58. I’d tell you a construction joke, but I’m still working on it.
59. I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
60. I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said, “Wii.”